Clarabelle’s Life Reflections
So, where do you go from here?
Now, I know the answer, but at that difficult time, there was no way I was going to find it, because there was too much noise, too much desperation, too much struggle, not enough head space, not enough belief, not enough faith, focus on pain and negativity….how was I going to find inspiration amongst all that? Just like finding a needle in a haystack, I was unaware at the time, but I had given myself such a mammoth task. So where do you go from here? When you feel you’ve hit rock bottom and the punches keep coming, the waves get bigger and bigger and you forget how to swim….what happens next?
I’ll tell you what happens next, you sleep, long deep sleeps, it helps you to forget, it allows you to avoid your own perception of reality when you sleep, and when you wake up, you want to sleep again. To be alone is your saving grace, or at least that’s what you think….but being alone too long can be dangerous, because you get swamped in the quicksand of fear. I have stopped writing right now, because it is making me cry, taking me back to those dreadful feelings…but only for a short, sharp moment, because I am better now and I am telling the survival story – yes, it does have a happy ending. Yes, yes, YES.
Explorer of the courageous soul
Let me fast forward for a moment, today I am in such a good place, the best I have ever felt for such a long time, even when I thought I was at my happiest, possibly in 2007, I am aware now that it was all external happiness, this time it’s different, this time it is internal, my happiness is coming from within………….and the irony is, that I would never have discovered that place, if I had given up at the toughest of times. You see I am a fighter, ‘never die’ kind of person, if there was a glimmer of hope, I was surely going to find it. This to me was the ‘battle of the brave’, ‘the explorer of the courageous soul’, ‘the underdog who discovered paradise’, ‘the barefooted soldier coming out from the trenches’, ‘the white flag surrendering my heart to the universe’, ‘the first baby step of a journey that never ends’…..there is no destination… just creative imagination and infinite expression of the true self. And so the story continues…..
This is only temporary
To combat the bruises of stress, there were many things that helped me on my way, daily gratitude, forcing myself to spend time with family and friends, daily exercise, daily meditation, daily prayer for self and for others, good nutrition, acceptance of the situation, learning to face up to my fears, letting go of the emotions that were not serving me well, continuously asking myself questions until the right ones connected with me, painting a picture of my future dreams in alignment with my core values, nurturing my inner belief and self confidence, being honest with myself, allowing myself to be vulnerable, giving myself permission to forgive, believing that I could change the current situation, telling myself “this is only temporary”, building up trust in myself and regaining the faith that I knew was always there, identifying my strengths, surrounding myself with anything and everything inspirational, telling myself “keep going, keep going”…….
But most of all, MOST of all, the turning point….the tipping point….the true trigger point…. was believing that I am truly loved, knowing that I was on the path to love, knowing that I was and am love and ultimately the giver of love. Love redeems all, there is nothing more powerful than love, nothing else will reach that sweet spot like genuine love for self and others. Love was the answer, love is the answer, love was and is the ultimate trigger of transformation and transcendence into who I am today, me with no role, no identity, no ego, just me…that is the place, that is forever inspiring, that is paradise and me.